Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.