To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Hank is one in a melon.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
pls suprot
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.