@itsnashflynn everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
@ReticentTurnip Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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@itsnashflynn 
@dooce A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
@iamburtjarvis ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
@TheBoydP Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
@huntigula fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
@UberFacts In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
@StruggleDisplay “All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
@glowingritual A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
@rickolantern My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer