Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Good boy 😂😂
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.