@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

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@itsnashflynn

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

@iamburtjarvis

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

@TheBoydP

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

@UberFacts

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

@glowingritual

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@rickolantern

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer