How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes