My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I have a new favorite meme page
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Pringles
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon