“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.