me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
we all know this pain all too well
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.