Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.