Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Finally
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.