Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
That’s not how days work.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
this makes me so uncomfortable
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*