Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*


Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.


My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.


“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.


I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.


Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed


1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon


Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”