ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.