ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!