“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Ok but actually
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out