My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.