Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter