*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
This is Sparta
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra