2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*lint rolls you awake*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.