Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
some Old Testament wisdom