Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Ah..makes sense now
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Meat Cute
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up