Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Natty or not?
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