Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
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Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer