hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.