Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.