It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.