*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
You Might Also Like
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.