*seductively corrects your posture*
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If I ignore life will it go away?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan