People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My therapist after every session
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch