You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
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I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”