@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

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@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@OGPoutyMcgee

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@_wangwe

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

@SteelCityDawn

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.