I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
every college guy’s fridge
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest