I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

You Might Also Like


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”


Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.



*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched






This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.


How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.


When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.