The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”