Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My sex drive has a dui
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.