Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
uncle dave has been through hell
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.