me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)