Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
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My kitchen overserved me.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
(Musicians.)
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam