I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*me flirting
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I bet
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.