All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.