How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season