Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me 2 months after i graduated
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.