Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
the icebreaker
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Never be a pizza!
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.