If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
english majors be like furthermore
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.