When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
You Might Also Like
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.