Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there