When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
You Might Also Like
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother