Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.