Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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rise and shine we got egg
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
😂🤣😂🤣
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
car not found
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING