“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair