(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.