Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.