why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
oh shit
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*