If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Seems legit
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
The symmetry is uncanny.