M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
this is how life feels
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Lmfaoooooo
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
🔦🌙👣
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions