Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Welcome
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
😲 WTF? 😆
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Snapes on a plane.