Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Pretty much. 🤣
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.