i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
im 7 sauces long
![]()
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.