i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again